Tusk

2014 - 0/5

So let me enlighten you as to why I actually watched this movie. We all know I’ve watched my share of shitty movies, but I did not watch this willingly. The story goes like this…
Many months ago, a coworker saw it and decided that I too should be tortured. Since then, I kept being hassled. One faithful day, I had taken doogh to work (a carbonated yogurt drink). This coworker smelled it, and as most non-E-rans, was repulsed. This is when the light went off in my head; that the only way I could stop being harassed to watch this movie, was to place a bet. The bet was as follows: I had to sit through the whole movie so long as my coworker drank an entire bottle of doogh. I personally believe she got the short end of the stick, but that’s not to downplay how horrible this movie was.

This being a Kevin Smith movie, it seemed like it was made to be a ‘cult-classic’, with a cult following. This was an idea and because the guy has money, he went for it.

Surprisingly, this movie did have its fair share of good acting: Justin Long (although his character is an asshole, he did a good job). Michael Parks (the character was psycho, but he was convincing). Johnny Depp (had I not been told that it was him, I would have never been the wiser).

The pacing really kills this movie. Omg, does it drag. There were many moments in which I just had to sit there and suffer through some scenes that were 75% longer than they needed to be.

Hearing Wallace (Justin Long) scream (if that’s even the right word) made me want to puke. As for the ending, I just don’t understand. My coworker said it best, short and sweet: Why?

So many questions… this IMDB review sums them up nicely:
-There's a pretty significant gap in this movie. We go from Justin Long with no legs and arms fused to shoulders to full on Justin Long in walrus suit. I mean, the walrus suit was discussed in earlier parts of the movie, but I feel like I missed something. There was no scene where Justin Long was being put into the walrus suit. It just left me confused.



-Speaking of the walrus suit - it is made of random pieces of people. All of the pieces appear to be in similar states of decomposition, which doesn't make sense. We know he didn't kill every one at once. Also, isn't he trying to make Justin Long look like a walrus? When he's in the suit, he looks more like a quilt than a walrus.



-Speaking of the body parts - at the end of the movie, Justin Long decides to stay a walrus... What? Why would you want to stay a walrus? And not even just the suit, he wants live in a walrus habitat and eat raw fish. Dude, I get that your sort of stuck like that, but why go, as the movie puts it, "full walrus?"



-Speaking of the fact that he wants to stay a walrus - I don't think he legally can stay a walrus. This suit he is in is made out of murdered people. Isn't that evidence? Wouldn't you have to ask the family if you can keep the arm skin or face (yes, there are faces on it) of your loved on that's been killed? This one really got to me... this doesn't seem legal. And also, even if he didn't want to be fixed, wouldn't they try to remove the walrus suit since it contains the human remains of murder victims?

Overall, I never expected this movie to be either horror or comedy, but I really don’t know what to classify it as, other than shit. If you for whatever reason happen to be even remotely curious, don’t say you weren’t warned.

And lastly, to the American people reading this, Canadian’s do not say “aboot”.